Every once in a while, I notice things. I know it sounds like something that should be a given, but really, normally I don't notice too much. I am visually impaired, you know. In spite of that fact, I do notice things from time to time, and today, I noticed TWO things! Two observations about myself, that I can't say I am too happy with.
Both observations were observed while taking a shower this evening. The first one, an obvious, slap-me-in-the-face observation, was the fact that I am getting old. I know this because after I got done rinsing the hair color out of my hair, I had to wipe down the walls of the shower so they wouldn't stain. If I were not getting old, I would not have to do this. That's observation number one.
The second observation is that I am fat. Yep. I said it, so you wouldn't have to. I know this because I seemed to have the slightest bit of trouble reaching certain body parts to wash and rinse them, if you know what I mean. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "How can she talk about things like this? Ladies don't talk about body parts and what they can and can't reach." You can think these types of things about me all you want, but you heavier people(and I won't call you fat, as I have called myself)know exactly what I'm talking about. It happens more than people like to talk about. Trust me. Recent changes and situations in my life have caused me to gain a few pounds recently, and it's just come to my attention that reaching the nether regions of my body is a bit difficult. Not impossible, mind you. Just difficult. I need to get a handle on this before reaching them all together becomes a thing of the past.
So, there you have it. Today's observations as only I can bring them to you. It's not pretty, and it's not lady-like, but it's true, and you know it. You can empathize with me, I know you can.
Today's Observations
How A Burp Becomes A Burp
Yesterday in Walmart:
Mike: I have to fart.
Me: Ewww....we're in public....speeding up in an effort to escape the inevitable stink, so I'm not blamed for it.
Mike: Don't walk so fast. It'll come out faster.
Me: Faster? You can control how fast it comes out?
Mike: Sure. You just squeeze your butt cheeks together. And if you don't want it to come out at all, you just clench your cheeks together real tight. Then, it stays up there and explodes. It becomes a burp then, ya know.
Hmmm....I guess you learn things anywhere, anytime. Whether you want to or not.
Entertaining Themselves In The Car
Tonight in the car, the kids were entertaining themselves with silly sayings and things of that sort. I believe Tim called Becky a hob-knocker, which apparently came from one of those pre-teen kids shows on Nickelodeon or something. At any rate, it sounded funny to me and I almost peed my pants. Becky didn't find it quite as funny.
One other thing they were doing was daring each other to say certain words that may or may not sound like something else. For example:
Becky: Tim, say European really slow.
Tim: Eu-r0-pe-an.....snickering.....BECKY!
Becky: Say Idaho really slow.
Tim: Nooo! more snickering....
Becky: Id-a-ho....get it? even more snickering
Me: Say I then spell cup.
Becky: I know that one. You're supposed to say "pretty colors" afterward. I c-u-p pretty colors.
Uproarious laughter from the backseat.
Mike: spell ass backward.
Becky: SSA?
crickets in the backseat.
Mike: I just wanted to fit in....sulking in the driver's seat.
It's Funny Now
I was talking with my Aunt on the phone today about random things, really. How we got on the subject of my life right after my first 'episode' with blindness, I don't remember. But, as I told the story, the story that I think should be sorrow-provoking, I hear.......
laughter.
My Aunt is on the other end of the phone, laughing her ass off at the sad, sad story I was telling. And really, it was sad. I swear. How much sadder can it be to be blind and have a hungry baby to feed, but you can't see well enough to feed her? Now, I consider that sad. Sad for the feed-er and the feed-ee. But, that's just how I am.
My Aunt on the other hand, I don't know about her. Laughing at the short-comings of others. I think she might have been the school bully when she was little.
I'll tell you the story, and you tell me how funny you think it is. Be honest. I can take it. After the tear-filled laughter from my Aunt, my skin is thick.
Picture it, my kitchen, early 1998. (A little ode to Sophia Petrillo from Golden Girls. I loved that character!)
Anyway, I had just had my first 'episode'(I don't know what else to call them) with blindness. I had lost most of the sight in my left eye, which adversely affected my depth perception. Remember that. Rebecca is in her high chair, ready to eat.
I sit down at the table to feed her and you know how hungry babies are. They don't like to wait. Most times, you can't shovel the food in fast enough. They're screaming and wailing. It's chaos until something hits their stomachs after a few bites. So, this is Rebecca. She's screaming bloody-murder and I'm having trouble getting it all together because I CAN'T SEE!
My dear husband is in the living room, conveniently ignoring the noise, as most husbands will do if it means they don't have to do anything, so I was alone to fend for myself. I begin feeding her, but she's still screaming. Funny. She normally stops screaming, at least long enough to swallow. I try another bite. Still screaming. Hmmm....something's not right.
At that moment, Mike walks into the kitchen to finally see what all the ruckus is and says, "Honey, you have to get the spoon closer to her mouth. She can't reach it."
Apparently, the two or three bites I had already given her, she was wearing in her lap. No wonder she was still screaming. She was leaning way ahead to try to reach the spoon, her little mouth working so hard to try to get it. I was going through the motions, but not accomplishing anything.
You know, looking back, it's a wonder she didn't starve to death! I mean, what if Mike had never walked into the kitchen to do or get whatever it was he came in to do or get? What if I never knew that she couldn't reach the spoon? Can you imagine?
I guess the mental image of her in her high chair, her little bird-mouth trying so hard to reach a spoon that her mother so viciously kept just out of reach is kind of amusing, in a twisted, mean sort of way. I am kind of chuckling to myself now because you know, I can. The story is about me, and if I want to laugh at myself, I can. I'll give you permission to laugh too, if you want. It's ok.
That was the beginning of my disability, and there have been many, many more stories like this one happen over the years as my eyesight has gotten worse and worse. At first, they made me cry, but now when something stupid like that happens, I can deal with it. I don't feel sorry for myself any more. It's a fact of my life, and I'm alright with that.
Quote Of The Day
I'll rip your teeth out and make you eat them......which will be a bitch without any teeth.
~Mike as he tried laying down next to the dog, who was growling at him
