Out of the blue, in the car on the way home this afternoon.
Tim: Mom?
Me: What?
Tim: Did you know that Humpty Dumpty is DEAD?!
Me: trying not to burst out laughing What?
Tim: Yeah, he's dead. matter of factly Haven't you heard that saying?
Me: What saying is that? It's getting harder not to laugh out loud
Tim: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Me: All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Tim: Yeah, that's the one.
It suddenly struck me that I have to be the worst mother on the face of the Earth. How in the world did my kid get to be almost 11 years old and not know the Humpty Dumpty Nursery Rhyme? Surely I taught it to him some time ago, like 9 YEARS ago?!
He was serious folks. I think he just learned this Nursery Rhyme and thought he was passing on some important information that I didn't already know.
I AM the worst mother. Now, I'm wondering what else I neglected to teach my children that should have been a given during their childhoods.
Out of the Mouth of Babes
Did I Do It Right?
Oh boy. Tristan graduates this Sunday, and my nerves are kicking in full time. I'm beginning to wonder if I raised him right? Did I teach him everything that he needs to know to make it on his own eventually? What if I didn't? Will he be smart enough to figure it out on his own?
It's driving me insane, really. He's so emotional lately. I understand the proposition of being on his own might be overwhelming. It's overwhelming for ME! He's probably scared to death at the prospect of heading off to college in the fall. Out of state. On his own. I get it. But, man! He is so emotional, and dramatic, and all, "my life sucks" right now. It's leaving doubts in my mind as to his ability to handle life on his own.
Of course, we'll never be out of reach for him, but we won't be easily accessible like we have been. I wonder if that is bothering him already? I can't talk to him rationally. He crushes everything I say or suggest, as if I know nothing, and he knows everything. It's very frustrating trying to empathize with a young adult. I think he thinks I'm too old to understand....to truly understand how he feels.
But I do understand. I remember graduating high school, and the idea of truly being on my own for the first time in my life bearing down on me. I was scared. But I was excited, too! I couldn't wait to get out there and try it on my own. No more school (I didn't go to college), no more parents telling me what to do, no more answering for anything. On that last one, I found out real quick that that was not true, but I learned. I learned life lessons, and I survived.
I try to convey all this to Tristan, but he doesn't want to hear it. I'm wrong. And whatever I say, it only makes him feel worse, so I'm told. So, I throw up my hands. For now. He'll be fine, I'm sure. I'll just bide my time, and when he needs me (and he eventually does) I'll be here.
It's so hard being a mother.
Am I Being Punished?
The last few months have been a living hell for me.
Why, you ask?
I'll tell you.
A few months ago, I started feeling tired. I started taking naps. I despise naps. I hate when my family members take naps. It's a waste of a good day.......unless you're sick, of course. Anyway, it was all I could do to get through the day without sleeping through it entirely. I went to bed tired, and I woke up tired. I was tired all. The. Time. Tired. Tired. Tired.
Are you getting how tired I was?
Then, my joints started swelling. All of them. They were painful, too. I started taking 800mg Ibuprofen three times a day! I had a hard time doing anything because my joints were so big and uncooperative and painful. And I was tired.
My housework suffered. Mike took over a lot of the duties, making the kids pitch in to "help Mom". I felt like such a loser. First legally blind, now this. I was convinced that I would be this way for the rest of my life, and that I was being punished for some sin I committed in the past.
My job suffered. I couldn't stay awake long enough to do my four hour shift each day. Then, the company got behind on quota and upped our quotas. I never even came close to meeting my quota that month. It was crazy, and I really feared for my job, but was so tired, I really didn't care.
Of course, going to the doctor would have been the first course of action for most people, but I'm not most people. I hate going to the doctor, and I have to be close to death, or at least feel like it before I'll go. Unfortunately, it took me almost 4 months to feel like death. When I finally went for my first appointment, my blood pressure was high, and my joints were severely swollen. The doc sent me for blood work immediately. She threw out things like Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was scared. For two days, I cried and slept, waiting for the test results.
When I went to get the test results, I was resigned to the fact that I had some awful disease and that my time was measured. I mean, people die from Lupus! And Rheumatoid Arthritis? That puts people in wheelchairs way too young. So, I go into the little room, and the doc walks in. She looks all concerned and worried-like. She says hello. I ask her if I'm dying. She laughs and says no. "You're not dying. But, you have diabetes."
Diabetes?
Seriously?
You would not believe the weight that just fell off my shoulders at that moment. I know about Diabetes. I know how to handle that disease. I can LIVE with Diabetes! This was going to be a piece of cake, I thought to myself.
How wrong I was........
It was a week before I could get in to see the Diabetic counselor. You know, the person who tells you what you can and can't eat. So, in that week, I gave up cold turkey: sugar and caffeine. Namely, anything with sugar in it, and my morning coffee, and Mountain Dew.
Mountain Dew. My best friend for so many years. I worshiped the stuff. I drank it by the gallons. I never drank water, but always had a Dew handy. Giving it up was so much harder than quitting smoking. Seriously, folks. I had headaches like you wouldn't believe, nausea, and mood swings galore. I slept just so I wouldn't have to deal with the withdrawals. My body was revolting even more without it's closest friend. It was chaos in there, I'm telling you!
I also cut out all carbs. I was on my own so far, and really had no idea what I was doing as far as eating. I just knew that carbs turn to sugar in the body, and that was the enemy. So, no carbs. It was pure hell. I ate very little that week, and I slept.
But, by the time I got in to the Diabetic counselor a week later, I had kicked the habit, at least physically. Mentally, it still nagged at me, tempting me all the time. I was never a big sugar eater, no sweets to speak of for me. I'm all about the carbs, baby! So, the sugar thing was no big deal. They were all surprised I was able to say goodbye to MD that easily.
The good news is that I can eat just about anything I want........within reason. I have to watch portion size and follow a strict diet as far as carb counts, but it's really no so bad anymore. I still can't have the Mountain Dew, but I've even gotten over that powerful addiction. I no longer dream of it in my sleep, anyway.
And, I no longer need to sleep during the day! That is the best part. I can actually get something done in a day rather than holding the bed down. My joints, although not completely better as my sugar levels aren't under control completely yet, have gone down to almost normal levels, allowing me to do much more. So, all in all, I guess it was a good thing I went to the doctor when I did. I've seen what uncontrolled Diabetes can do to a person, and trust me, it's not pretty.
So, this is why I haven't been blogging, or doing anything significant for the last few months. I should be back now with more regularity, so definitely watch for more!
